I've been meaning to write about my tai chi discovery for a while, but this week turned into summer here (read: above 60 degrees) and I've been distracted by 10pm sunsets and the sunny bench across the street that beckons to me from my window.

I've always been right-handed and right-footed, as far as I know. Left-right dominance is an interesting thing to see develop in a person. I know we equate "handedness" with brain hemisphere dominance, but I have to think it's more complicated than that. After all, we are more than just "analytical" (left-brained) or "creative" (right-brained).

For fun, have a look at this video and see which direction the dancer spins. I figured out how to make her change direction; can you?

For an even more interesting exploration of the brain and how it behaves, take a look at Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor's TED Talk from a few years ago. She describes what happened to her awareness when she experienced a stroke.

Balance. In my recovery time from two surgeries on my right foot, I spent a lot of time on the left one. For an entire week, when it was too painful to even think about putting weight on the right foot, I hopped around on the left using a cane. Then, after the second surgery, I was convinced that putting no weight on a freshly-pasted skin grafted foot was the answer to successful healing, so I swung around on borrowed crutches.

When it came time to use my right foot again, things had changed. The balance had shifted. Weak had become strong. This was nowhere more apparent than in my tai chi practice. I had forgotten how much certain movements rely on placing all the weight on one foot or another, and this right-centric form now felt different.

I liked how solid I feel now on my left foot. This feels right to me, as if this is a part of my body that's been in the shadows for years and now is enjoying a place in the light. My right side, meanwhile, is rapidly catching up as I continue to practice and grow stronger but but there's no animosity or competition between sides. I can feel each encouraging the other. Equals.

I am curious to see how this plays out in other ways. I am convinced it will. Balance. I've always been right-side dominant and now the playing field is more level. I feel subtle changes, or an invitation for changes, throughout my body and perception. It's a step and I am curious where it will lead.

~~~

This morning in the bath I was reminded of my own Impatience.

I wrote for a month this year about my experiences listening to guidance in each moment, letting go of pre-planning things and trying to remain centered in my experience as I experienced it.

A month is not a long time when compared to years of other patterns. In my time following surgeries and recovery, I went back to old patterns. Especially in the past few weeks, when old memories and patterns came flooding into my awareness, I allowed myself to become lost in a floating dreamworld. I remember creating this world. It may have come before but I specifically remember my paper route in the 7th grade. I was paid a whopping $12 a month to affix throwaway community sales newspapers once a week to the doorknbs of my neighbors. It was the perfect opportunity to zone out and try to be invisible. Having just discovered that other species (boys), I applied the zoning technique to my (non-existent) love life, creating — in my mind — conversations with the boys that I was too shy to even make eye contact with, let alone actually talk to.

In the bath this morning I was reminded of this as my monkey mind began its usual dance of planning what I was going to do after the bath, what I wanted to do later on in the day, things I wanted to say to people, things I wanted to write about, worries I had about [fill in the blank], etc. ad nauseum. Finally a voice inside yelled, "Hold it!"

Impatience. It's an intrinsic fear of the present moment. (I just posted channeling about this concept — see who you recognize in it!) We each might manifest this energy differently (so many of us use it), but I realized that, for me, Impatience manifests as planning things. And oh, I am a champion planner. I have spent countless sleepless nights, meditation times, long drives, boring conversations, and, really, every spare moment — it probably adds up to years of my life at this point — planning for potential futures. An Idealist as well, I have a natural awareness of potential futures. Potentials are easy for me to see and feel. I get tripped up thinking they are real sometimes, that's how good I am at feeling them.

But all that planning takes me away from the present moment. Ka-ching.

I am also good at hindsight. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. Replaying tapes in your head. What you should have said. What you could have said. What you wished they said, or did. What if, how come, why not.

But again, the past is not the present moment. Ka-ching.

In fact, [oh, oops, you blinked! missed it!] only THIS is the present moment.

Now, another thing to know about me is that I am incredibly visual. I receive information visually and I process it visually (in addition to "hearing" things in my head, "knowing" it, and feeling it in my body). I have a visual memory.

I also loathe clutter. To my mind, any horizontal surface in my space (floor, countertop, table), should be clean and free from clutter. Clutter makes me crazy. It makes me want to take action: clean it, categorize it, decry whomever put it there, self-blame for letting it stay there, something. Anything.

The guidance I received today was about all these things. Put your strengths to work for you. Look at things differently.

I'm visual, so the message was to BE visual. Take in the moment as an artist: look at form, color, light. No judgment. Just look.

And while you're looking, the guidance went on, use your other senses too. Feel. Smell. Sound. I was in the shower. Suddenly my senses were bursting with things. The smell of the soap — peppermint! The light and shadow on my leg — beautiful! The sound and feel of the water on my back — ahh! The weight of my two feet beneath me — solid.

Out of the shower, I felt a challenge: find beauty in clutter. My eye swept across a countertop filled with shapes, form, color. No judgment. No blaming (you left the milk out!). No planning (better eat that mango today; it looks like it's on the far side of ripe). No need to take action (I see paper! To be recycled! Wipe the crumbs from in front of the toaster!). Instead of my usual patterns, I saw white, green, red, yellow. I saw oval, rectangular. Curved shapes and lines. My body relaxed. I breathed.

Impatience is all about avoiding. This was embracing. The planning, the virtual conversations, the worrying — it all fell away. I felt alive, not empty.

Comments (2)

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impatience
written by max7, July 08, 2010

I've been working with impatience for forever it seems.....I believe it's a key of some sort for me......this is one that for sure is easier said than done.....room must be left for spontaneity...to take events as we attract them.....to live more in the moment....cheers!

Fascinating!
written by Wayne, July 14, 2010

Wow Karen,thank you so much for posting these amazing videos on your blog for us to watch. I have learned so much about myself and other people, things I had no idea about until I watched them.
Best wishes,
sincerely,
Wayne

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